Astronomy, by Kevin

Astronomy is fantastic. There are so many things in space for you to see that the limitations are endless, and only the power of your viewing instrument limits what you can see. For instance, if you have a radio telescope, you can explore the furthest reaches of the known universe, such as the Oxcox Hadron Filamental Spiral just south of Alpha Centauri, which is fucking miles away, or the methane clouds of Hasbro, which are the furthest colloidal entities discovered by humanity and which is also where you will now find Laika, the dog shot into space by the Russians in 1957 (because she is travelling close to the speed of light, Laika is now younger than when she first left Earth, whereas all the Russians who were involved in devising her space mission are now all dead or lying drunk in a Moscow gutter without a pension. Ha ha ha. Laika has the last laugh. In space.)

The really great thing about the radio telescope is that it enables you to see things that you could not see with the naked eye, because in order to see them with the naked eye you would have to be within a few miles of them, and as a result you would explode in the vacuum of space, your insides would be frozen solid, and you would suffocate. Therefore, radio telescopes are a good thing. Radio telescopes are very expensive, however, and also they will not let you look into the neighbour's windows at night-time when you are pretending to be out doing astronomy. For that you need an ordinary handheld optical telescope, preferably with an adjustable focus so that you can see everything. Binoculars are another possibility, but you would have to take into account the problem of shaking hands, which makes the image less discernible. Also, using binoculars to do astronomy just sounds less plausible to the police. Still, they are not as bad as night-vision goggles. If the police find you with night-vision goggles on, there's just no point arguing at all, even if they do leave your hands free.

Optical telescopes function by using curved glass and mirrors to gather light from the visible part of the electromagnetic spectrum and focus it on the retina. The retina is in your eye, where you see. To make it easier for you to see, you should use Optrex, which keeps your eyes moist. Also, avoid strong lights, eat carrots, and don't masturbate. All at the same time. You should also build an observatory in your back garden or you should turn the lights off in your bedroom to reduce the ambient lighting. Unfortunately, the street lights will still interfere with your viewing, but the alternative is to go outside into the street or out to the countryside, in the dark, where there is no lighting at all, just wild animals, cattle, and gypsies, which makes it very dangerous and spooky. I met a gypsy once.

My mother will not let me go out to the countryside in the dark. She doesn't even like me going out into the street at night-time, especially not without my balaclava and scarf. Or my mittens. But she does not understand that you cannot manipulate a telescope with mittens on. Not even a Bushnell NorthStar Goto 100-millimeter Maksutov-Cassegrain Compact!

The real advantage of astronomy is that it allows you to see so many worlds in the universe without ever having to leave your street. There are astronomy clubs you can join, but most of the people in them are weird, and anyway you always have access to the kitchen and the toilet when you are at home. I always think there is no need to see anything of this world when there are so many billions out there in space that are much more beautiful and with far fewer people on them. In fact, with astronomy, you can explore the entire known universe, other than Earth, without ever having to leave home. And that makes it the best hobby there is.

After trainspotting.




(Kevin MacPherson is emeritus professor of dictionaries at Sir Keith Joseph University, Stanmore.)