Pornography, by Kevin

Pornography is brilliant. Some people say that it is not brilliant, but they are wrong. What pornography is, is looking at pictures or, sometimes, films, of people who are partially clad, or semi-clad, or not clad at all, and deriving pleasure from it. Clad means having clothes on. Not clad means not having clothes on. Mostly, the people who are in pornography pictures and films are ladies, but quite often there are men in them as well. This is because the main users of pornography are men, but so that they feel less guilty about it, they try to include their wives or girlfriends (if they have any) in their enjoyment, and they think that putting men in the pictures will cater for their partners' interests. The truth is, though, that the women have no interest in looking at the pornography and are only joining in because they think it will please their boyfriends or husbands. It certainly reduces the guilt associated with enjoying pornography because it tacitly condones men using it, but in truth the men would rather the women weren't there and also that there were no men in the pictures because it means they have to look at the pictures with one eye closed, blotting out the man.

I am not entirely sure if there is a specific way in which pornography is intended to be used. I asked my mom what people do when they use pornography, and she said that sometimes they kiss the pictures of the ladies or lick them—the paper is usually shiny so that you can wipe them afterwards (I guess this means some men wear lip balm when they look at pornography). Other times they spread the pictures out on the floor of their bedroom and kneel over them. Sometimes in front of the mirror. I know! But this what my mom said, and she isn't in the habit of lying. And sometimes, she said, they find a picture that they like particularly, and they rub it against themselves. She said this with a straight face, but I'm sure she was winding me up. Who on earth would do that?

My favourite pictures in pornographic magazines are the ones where the lady is smiling at me. These are the best ones. They are the best ones because the lady in the picture looks like she likes me, and also that she is enjoying the experience as much as I am. She looks like she would like to have a conversation with me and perhaps a drink as well, and hang around with me for company. I do not like the photographs in which the lady is looking stern. It is as if she is saying, "Don't pester me now. Can't you see that I'm baking cakes?" or "I don't think it's appropriate for you to be deriving pleasure from looking at this picture of me. You can see that my daughter was murdered and that I have had an operation that renders me unable to conceive again. Only someone who is totally unfeeling or else sociopathic would imagine that it is acceptable to rub me against their tummy."

Even though the Internet has become a major source of pornographic material in recent years, traditionalists and those who want more flexible access to their pornography far prefer the print medium. Collecting pornographic magazines continues to be the number one hobby among British men aged 14 to 92, and that includes darts, football, fishing, drinking beer, and farting. In my collection, which I keep under my bed, I have a combined total of 348 magazines, going as far back as 1996. This total is made up of 213 issues of Woman's Own, 112 issues of Woman, 7 issues of Marie-Claire, 5 issues of Cosmopolitan, 3 issues of Closer!, 3 issues of Bella, 2 issues of Hello, 2 issues of OK!, and one issue of Ladies Volleyball. I have more Woman's Own than any other magazine for two reasons. One is because it is the best. Two is because it is the magazine my mom gets. This shows that pornography is indeed something that can be enjoyed by both sexes, but my mom principally reads the articles and does the crossword. Some people get confused by the title, but it is a pun. Just like Boyzone (Boy's Own) is really a musical pop group aimed at girls, so Woman's Own (Woman Zone) is principally a magazine aimed at men, although girls are allowed to read it as well.

The ladies in Woman's Own are generally very nice and often look a bit like my mom, which I like. Woman's Own and Woman are the most popular pornographic magazines because they aim at the mainstream, accepted definitions of sexuality, which is why everyone finds it acceptable to have the magazine lying about the house. The ladies in the magazine are usually clad or partially clad but sometimes unclad, particularly in the adverts in the back for breast enhancement or cancer. Magazines like Marie-Claire and Cosmopolitan are a bit more risqué, and you will find more unclad ladies in them, but in order to compensate and disguise this naughtiness, these magazines will frequently contain articles on apparently serious issues such as female genital mutilation or genocide in Rwanda, so that if you are caught with these magazines you can say that you buy them for the articles, but the truth is that nobody reads the articles in them unless they are sat on the toilet. Cosmopolitan is the drink that the ladies in the pornographic movie Sex and the City drink. Marie-Claire is a French girl's name and is therefore exotic and a bit kinky, like a girl who doesn't wash.

Magazines like Closer! and Bella and Hello and OK! are what is known as fetish magazines, which means that they are aimed at a readership who become aroused by unusual pictures. Usually it is pictures of famous ladies' cellulite. Personally, I cannot see what the attraction is, but lots of ladies also enjoy this magazine, so I suspect the men who get turned on by these pictures are gay. Not that I know a lot about homosexuality. It is a perversion that I have not explored.

Ladies Volleyball is not as exciting as it sounds. I was quite disappointed.

Collecting and reading pornography is a perfectly healthy, enjoyable, and commonplace activity that can be fun for all the family. Indeed, my mom is frequently making fun of me, saying things like, "Kevin, I don't know what on earth you could possibly get up to spending all that time in your bedroom. It isn't like those girls can talk to you." But she is wrong, because with a bit of imagination you can have really interesting conversations with the ladies in the magazines. Last week I had a roundtable discussion with two ladies from Woman's Own, three from Cosmopolitan, and Kerry Katona about the Holocaust because I'd read a book on it. Did you know the Holocaust never happened? That's what Kerry told me.

I really hope that you will do pornography now that I have shown you how brilliant it is.

And that is the end.






(Kevin MacPherson is James Brown Chair of Voyeurism in the Department of Women Studies at Newcastle College of Coarse Art.)